all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
