I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
