that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
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You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
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These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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