Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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