eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
They are going to name an STD after you.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
