i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
