I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
