I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
