I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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