I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
