So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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