and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
