The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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