I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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