When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I will die if light touches me.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
