Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
