I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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