Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
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It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
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That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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