I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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