Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
