he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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