i already hear my dad disowning me
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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