Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
