the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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