she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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