I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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