Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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