I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
