i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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