I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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