What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
