At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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