I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
