How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
