don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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