So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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