did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
