I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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