I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
