Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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