He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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