Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Less talking, more tequila
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
