It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
