Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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