im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
