I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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