Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
