I am in a vortex of obligation.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
