so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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