I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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