theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
