I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
