If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
