listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
