his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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