My liver just broke up with me...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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