If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
