My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
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But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
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We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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