My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
