I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
